tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer