If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”