You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
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Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
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Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.