Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.