I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children