I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
✌️
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady