me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Nice try, NASA
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Not all heroes wear capes…
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.