ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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*seductively eats two tums*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
A new level of troll.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Who.
Did.
This?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.