Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*aggressively waits in line*
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
😅😅😅
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.