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ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.