Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.