I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters