haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
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[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
*exercises sarcastically*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.