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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what