People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.