the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Cake safety first. Always.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
#TopTip
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS