Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.