me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
o shit
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.