ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
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*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
What a kind woman! 😂😂
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Dance like you’re not the father
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.