Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.