Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Try and stop me.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
❤️❤️❤️
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.