My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…