My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.