Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.