not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
im all 3
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*