“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
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PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Good morning!
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle