“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
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I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Safety first
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground