*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I think about this a lot
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.