doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.