Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
This did not end as expected.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”