“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
You Might Also Like
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.