“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
necessity is the mother of invention