Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns