Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
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Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Never forget.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
*launders Kohls cash*
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.