Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
You Might Also Like
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
no regrets
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Lmao
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
sigh
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.