They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.