I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s