The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
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condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.