Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.