Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
A couple who are silly together stay together.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
How about daylight saves us for once
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl