My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.