Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
You Might Also Like
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
black phone good
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying