The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
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WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
mood
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system