It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
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Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
the last thing a carrot sees
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.