Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
How funny!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Roses are red
Violets are blue
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.