Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
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“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”