6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
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Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had