“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time