Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
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First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.