Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
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Ion see the issue
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Friday night party time 🥳
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
as is their right
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?